My family doesn’t have a great track record with pediatricians.There’s a slim chance it’s because we are weird vegan hippies who trust nature over medicine and we have yet to find a pediatrician who knows the first thing about nutrition. (Like Fiona’s first doctor who honestly didn’t know what foods had iron in them, other than fortified baby cereal.) When we go for a well child checkup and my answers are not on their little checklist, they get so confused. Like “I may need to refer you to a specialist because you’re not giving your toddler whole milk” kind of confused.
Is it crazy to want a doctor who is at least smarter than me? Can I give them a checklist that they have to complete to my satisfaction before I’ll let them assess my child? Nothing too crazy, just something like:
Sounds easy, but half of the pediatricians we’ve seen would fail that test by the second question. Granted, for the first couple years of Fiona’s life, we were seeing a pediatrician named Durleane who worked out of a Thai fusion food truck*. But I don’t see how that’s relevant.
Then there’s that confounded checkup checklist they make you answer at each well-child visit. Hello, can I perhaps study for this test before you put me on the spot with such bizarre questions? My most common responses are “How would I know that?” and “Why would I have thought to try something that specific?” But every time I get an answer “wrong”, the test administrator gets so lost, and it looks like they’re going to need to call for reinforcements because I don’t know if my child can crawl the length of 10 standard sidewalk squares.
What the heck are these questions?! My best guess is that “doctors” are sending our test results to an alien ship, to help the extraterrestrials determine who to spare when they invade. But you didn’t hear that from me. (We may also be conspiracy theorists. So what?)
I mean, I’d like to know what these things have to do with my child’s development:
This is as far as we’ve gotten. Hopefully the checkup checklist gets a little more sensible with age. Although now that I’ve done some research, I can see that they don’t. But at least I can prepare for the tests a little better, since there are cheat sheets online.
Do these checklists catch you off guard every time, too, or is it just me? Am I a terrible parent for not knowing all the answers? Durleane did not prepare us for what it would be like to have a real doctor.
*This is totally a joke, but Fiona’s first pediatrician was a joke, too. She really was surprised when I mentioned iron is naturally occurring in foods like raisins, beans, and leafy greens.
Mom to two little ones who are way cuter than they have any right to be. Locavore, bibliophile, ambivert. Lover of architecture, the desert, and raisins. Caffeine free. Probably hangry right now.
I wrote about desert landscaping and urban water conservation in my former life.